You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
