i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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