where am i from again
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm getting married
To pizza
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
