happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
