And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
send nudes
from the living room?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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