I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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