apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
