When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
In America we eat man semen.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
