she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run