I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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