totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
