The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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