My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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