there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
