I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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