so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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