yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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