Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
