If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
