i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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