I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
