proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
