I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
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He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
last night I used snow as a chaser
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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