Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
