How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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