12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
