Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
