I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
