No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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