the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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