You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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