you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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