I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
