Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
