I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
