$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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