he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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