I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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