She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
