The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
