Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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