I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
