My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
