Will you blow on my dice?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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