I just saw a hot homeless man
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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