Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
