I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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