I like my sex mixed with concussions.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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