He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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