help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
