Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
