woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
