I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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