five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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