He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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