Do you still have your period?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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