u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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