he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
