So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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