I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
